I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
Pretty sure I only gave out my other # though. You know, 777 777-7777
Hahaha. So was it a Freudian slip, or wishful thinking? ;)
Could be either seeing as you're in my phone as "3rd bar" and I couldn't pick you outta a line up.
so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
We're cuddling on the couch that me and his brother had sex on...this feels wrong
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
I am now best friends with a lesbian named Zulu. I am pretty hammered already and made a game time decision to stay here another night,for partying purposes
I just pulled the nickels from earlier out of my bra in class. The guy next to me is either terrified or intrigued.
Not good... He ate my chips. Thats not a sex analogy for anything. My actual potato chips... gone. I lost on both ends.
Attempting to sleep without a bra since i got my nips pierced wish me luck. Also almost sent that to my coworker.
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
He yelled "HOO-ah!" like Al Pacino when he pulled down his pants. Trust me, he has every right to.
He did a backflip because drugs
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
Randomize
