so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
we do all of our sexting over chat on words with friends, so my boyfriend doesn't know about it when he looks at my texts.
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
We can just chill or day drink or smoke or watch law and order marathon or play just dance 4 or watch a movie or go to the movies or play hide and seek or hug, so many options
I just encountered the same creepy guy I showed you, he jumped inside the dumpster screaming.
Maybe I'm nitpicking, but that looked more like how one would jerk off an elephant than it did playing air guitar.
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
YOURE ABOUT TO SEE SO MUCH UNCIRCUMCISED DICK
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
Randomize
