"Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization.
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
just found glitter in my belly button...seriously when will this nightmare end
Well, she's officially disappointed in me. I have it writing.
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
I have a to do list for the summer and thing one is figuring out my sexual orientation
I can't believe my vagina just got wished happy new year
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
We'll handle his penis the same way we handle day drinking; together.
Randomize
