Umm I'm too high to move.
nothing says platonic group sex like a campfire and smores
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
my Econ professor just passed around his phone for us to take a pic of ourselves so he could learn our names. I am currently looking him up on my sex offenders app.
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
I mean Grimace is basically just a big piece of purple shit and he is loved way more than the hamburglar just to put it into perspective
Normal vaginal pH: 3.8 to 4.5. Of course it tastes like a 9-volt. I could run a potato clock on that thing.
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
Blacked out, Had to be carried out of the bar again by two large black bouncers. Asked them to be my "boo thangz" Again.
He passed out with the ball in his hand so no one could play beer pong without him.
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
What's it called where you go to the stripclub with two guys that have both gone down on you...
Tuesday
I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
why does every cop we meet know your name?
Randomize
