dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
Please advise as to how precisely ashamed I should be if I just became sexually aroused by a Harry Potter and the Half Blood Prince preview
A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
we just toasted to your mouth on alex's balls at the bar
that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
They're tearing apart the house I lost my virginity in:(
So this is what you do on your hungover days off put your balls into an egg carton?
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
Do you think Brian would let me smoke while we fuck? I'm not sure ill survive exams without a constant nicotine intake
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
Randomize
