You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
We are casual work acquaintances that occasionally fuck when the urge strikes. CWATOFWTUS. I know FWB rolls off the tongue better but it is what it is.
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
Just come home. We will have sex and Taco Bell. I'm feeling wild, I put on temporary tattoos.
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
I hope that will b the last time i take off my pants in the chemistry building.
My apartment stinks of burning failure
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
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