I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
A baby just go on our party bus. What. The. Fuck.
It's a long way off yet but I've started planning my eviction party. Be prepared, it includes jungle juice.
We didn't even make it to the door before they came out saying we weren't allowed in because of last time..
Just got a free shot w my beer...it's not quite 11am yet...I love international travel. These people aren't judgmental.
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
well I woke up with about $3 in odd change and a note that said "I'm borrowing your weed." So, no, it didn't go to well.
Now he's crying and asking for 'the cameras' to come out. The one cop is laughing
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
There's just something so liberating about drinking a beer with no pants on
he came over last night and we fucked with the great british baking show on in the background. it was beautiful
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
I feel like your boyfriend deserves to know that you're a lesbian.
Randomize
