no one is going to fuck you in a field of bunnies
I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
they just started filling water ballons with vodka.
on my way.
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
He makes this seasoned whore feel like a novice. I've met the one.
see these eyes, they just want to bone and go to sleep.
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
I AM SO HORNY, I AM GOING TO DIE. I NEED SOMEONE TO WISH MY VAGINA A MERRY CHRISTMAS.
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
Randomize
