He sent me a video of himself jacking off. I am not kidding.
WTF??? Isn't he married??
Yeah but his wife is at a birthday party and I guess he's bored. LOL
Still workable. Pretty sure i told her i'd eat her out in the woods.
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
I think I'm on the verge of a really slutty period in my life
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
i'm pregaming while finishing a paper on cardio myocyte contractility in mice. i'm kicking finals week's ass right now
pregamed for the floor meeting. so stoned. i keep thinking my RA is shrinking.
I ate 12 cupcakes in less than 24 hours, so no judgement here.
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
We just broke into a lion king sing along. Understanding is not possible.
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
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