So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
i just saw an asian skipping down the street and it made me think of you
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
You know you are bi when you flip between the NFL Network and LOGO.
I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
No, he grudge fucked my ex so I wouldn't be tempted to get back with her. He is either the worst or best friend ever.
was it good sex?
i mean it was good for how drunk we were. and for how big the closet was
You just kept yelling, "THAT'S THE POWER OF PINESOL, BABY!"
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
After we banged he volunteered to ducksit while I went to work. I think that's true love.
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
Randomize
