Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
you made sure to tell everyone that the amount of people you had slept with was actually quite low, especially when the size of your breasts was taken into account
There were 4 naked women demanding my presence. Of COURSE I got into the pool.
i don't know at this point bringing the fog horn might be a good idea...
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
When you and that girl went into the bedroom, you yelled "FOR NARNIA!"
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
I was pretty sure he wouldn't be into me after I fucked his brother, and then his best friend, and yet, here I am doing lines off his stomach
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