Midget Michael Jackson impersonator dancing to Beat it in Penn Station almost caused me to miss my train. God, I
just used a blowie as payment for him having to take the dog out to let her poop.
This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
I went to his work to give him some blankets and ended up blowing him in the bathroom. See what happens when you don't come over?
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
I think online classes were designed around the concept of day drinking.
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
Just pulled a muscle trying to take a naked pic. I think it's time to start working out again.
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
I hate that we are older than the real world people now
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
She looks like a character that batman would try to kill, or something.
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
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