I decided to name my penis gatorade...is it in you?
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
Define 'illegal'. Your idea of it and my idea are in separate universes.
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
Waking up at a teachers house is a very confusing thing
My mom just added me on Facebook... She has one like and it's Will Smith
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
i woke up in just my thong, face first on my bed with all the lights on. how hungover do you think i felt?
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
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