What is wrong with this kid? He'll take ecstasy but won't take dayquil?
I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
everytime someone would look at you, you started to try and deep throat your beer bottle.
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
She's seen your dick through your pants. You don't need to ask
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
You can call me ugly and you can call me fat,but don't you EVER say my meme game is weak.
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
Randomize
