this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
She highfived me after i yelled "I'm the clit-commander!" when i came. kevin smith fan and clearly a keeper
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
just woke up with a thong on my face, dont remember going home with anyone and its way too big for it to be a good thing
So my prents justed posted "DO NOT DISTURB" on facebook and i just heard their door shut and lock...I'm leaving
uh, 3 redbulls and 400mg of caffeine pills and i still feel like life is in slowmotion..lets not take tranquilizers again.
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
I'm so sick
I would imagine. You did most of your drinking for brazil last night.
That and I think I got food poisoning from sharing nachos with that homeless guy..
I WANT TO. I JUST IMAGINE HIS BEAUTIFUL BLONDE HEAD INBETWEEN MY LEGS AND I BREAK DOWN AND START CRYING.
Not as much as my roommate, who is in the middle of one of the pictures throwing a lawn chair at a cop car lol.
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
When a guy invites you to dinner and breakfast the next day it's implied that he's going to make some sweet loving in betwixt correct?
it'll be like the notebook except for with way more of my penis
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
Look get the dick out ur mouth and answer the phone
Randomize
