it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
and then he said that the only reasonable explanation as to why I got swine flu was because all I ever do is join the bandwagon
We hooked up with his aunt passed out next to us. It was just like old times.
No, he's ok. He just broke his teeth on the stripper pole. No biggie.
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
He told me that if I were a guy he'd go gay for me. Honestly don't know how to take that.
You burned the hair off your arms. Again.
It grows back stronger each time.
I told her I wanted to use him as a chew toy while simultaneously licking his face.
Did she tell him? And if so, was he cool with it? If yes, date him, date the fuck outta him.
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
Just so you know, it is really hard to rehydrate when everything is spiked with everclear.
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
