Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
I found out his name. Apparently we sat in the shower together and flooded the bathroom.
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
i think he spiked my sandwich with a viagra
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
Well right but if we go, he may just disappear for a long time into the unknown with the drag queens.
There is a chick wearing some guy's shirt wrapped around her waist as a skirt... She's flashing her panties to everyone as she sings karaoke. You need to get here.
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
I made a booty call at 3:30 am on a Monday... I think I just became the ultimate female fuckboy. I don't know whether to be ashamed or get myself a trophy.
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
Randomize
