Def slept AT the bar last night, wow that's a first!
Sometimes your consistent use of proper punctuation makes me nervous D:
btw found the cat. he didn't appreciate the toilet bath.
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
First roommate to find me and dance with me will live. Battle Royale.
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
Moral of the story: fuckboys never change
did you just describe your masturbation session as "rad af??"
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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