The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
Gotcha. Well, I'm puking and trying to keep down water from a mug that says "love the moment" around the rim. Not loving this particular moment.
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
Well that's the thing. He does want to take me out... To a strip club. I see this going down a very bad road but you know I'm going to go.
blowjobs from left handed girls are noticably better than from righties. these are the most important things I've learned this semester
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
I got high with the cantor. Rethinking this whole non-practicing Jew thing.
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
my nose is crying tears of wow.
Why is there a horse in the backyard?
I stayed at my gfs last night. This is all on you.
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
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