she's like the human form of herpes, as soon as you think she's gone for good you have another out break.
My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
we hooked up on one of my student's desks last night...i can't decide if i'm ashamed or massively proud of myself
dude you teach first grade wtf
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
So i know you wont get this until you land, but if i'm late its cause i was having sex. being blunt and hope that explains things.
We have started to decorate penises.
By this time next year I expect us to have full time jobs that we can call out of so we can day drink on beautiful days like this. Oh, and grill.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
I'm right down the road from AJ's old house and I'm getting mixed feelings. My vagina is remembering good dick. But the rest of me is remembering horrible times.
I came home braless and wearing a tail....
I slept with the Australian in the bathroom of a gay bar. What has my life become.
My fuck buddy and I talked about Amelia Bedilia for ten minutes before having sex. I think I'm in love.
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
Randomize
