How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
So guess who had sex in a Ghostbusters sleeping bag.
thats what you get for writing a paper after liquor pitchers
its only a rough draft.
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
I may be a little fuzzy on this, but I think at some point I said something about being a generous lover.
It's just like riding a bike. Only it's a dude's face.
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
This is the Taco Bell dump we've all been waiting for.
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
I wonder if there is a über wall of shame that you are currently on. Like between drivers.
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
Getting high with your mom, but thinking of you!
Randomize
