cutting back on calories before spring break by only taking shots instead of drinking actual drinks.
the diet of an alcoholic...
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
he also begged me to fake an orgasm when he couldn't get me to come.
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
He's a forty-something balding gay man with no boundaries or sense of social norms. Of course we should befriend him.
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
i need some food
Holy shit I forgot about you stabbing him.
rollerskate sex sounded like a good idea...
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
I'm glad we smoked together,that was probs the biggest sibling bonding we will ever have.
i just got carded for condoms. wtf.....this is new. isnt safe sex a good thing?
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
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