Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
Good. You are like the clit whisperer.
Was just hit on by a guy with 2 kids and one was named Rocky. I need to get out of Buena Park.
failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
Fuck now we have to have sex
What?
In a bet, need to win
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
We would be rich. And the whole world would be stoned.
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
Holy shit there is too much Taco Bell here to talk to you
Oh no. Not her. Her personality clashes with mine in ways that would make me wanna beat myself with a stick.
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
If he cant deal with my insomnia and sex drive I really feel sorry for his child and ex fiance. Adulthood breakups are depressing.
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
Randomize
