Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
All four of us managed to throw up in the same bathroom at different times during the night. I think we'll get along great living together.
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
And you kept repeating "I didn't know know that this was a no blow job zone."
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
Her brother is definitely not gay. I hooked up with him when she was sleeping.
He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
this makes me concerned. not enough to actually do anything about it, but yeah.
Just remember that no one else gets to suck his dick but you, feel honored. It's like the Olympic torch of life is being passed off to you and it's your time to run
The uber man and I sat in silence. With my underwear in my purse and my dress shoved in the pocket of the hoodie the guy gave me.
All I'm saying is there better be a bow on your dick for my birthday
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
all i remember is walking home without my pants on... when i woke up i was sleeping in between my parents in their bed, no more whiskey wednesdays
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