Dude, this place has 10% alcohol beer on tap. It's like God's semen.
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
You're so wise. You're like my sexual Grandmother Willow.
you were fixing your hair in the bathroom mirror and then fell backwards through the locked stall while she was in mid pee and fell on her lap.
As an added bonus, you will have a "25 blowjobs a month" voucher, expiring thirty days after the first initial bj.
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
I need to see you idiots before I go back to school. But we shouldn't snort Crown Royal this time.
do you remember yelling out "insecurity makes my pussy dry!" unnecessarily loud at the bar?
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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