We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
He's a good guy, we stopped by his old church.
And you didn't burst into flames?
Plus you know he's just 2 semesters and 4 glasses of wine away from "experimenting" with some French major
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
I'm cheerleading for traffic. people are staring. Why am i the only high person on the way to class?
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
Seriously-without actually meaning the statement for it's words- that made me want to put a baby in you.
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
When everyone ask you tomorrow go ahead and tell them I'm the girl that fell of safe ride and was all bloody.
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
He was 6'5 and wearing a kilt, how could I not fuck him
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
Randomize
