she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
My facebook horoscope today said I will have a little "confusion". Obviously astrology understands a blackout.
i was concerned for your health after you took your "last shot" four times...
It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
nothing like a walk of shame in front of a cnn news crew to start the morning off right
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
Its not like i paid for sex. She was stuck there, we simply exchanged rides.
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
Randomize
