Mom's drinking. Just asked her if she was good to walk back to the condo. She seemed unsure until she remembered she brought the GPS. We are 2 blocks from the condo.
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
After 13 tally marks I wrote the number 4,000 and made u sign my arm to prove it.
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
i was debating whether to load antoher bowl when i realized i was holding a sandwich in one hand and a cookie in the other. and laughing.
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
She sent pictures and the names of her 2 cats and her dog and told me that I should be happy to have met the whole family.
You must be good in bed dude
I just want to know how she convinced 6 sober ROTC guys to have an ab contest on a street corner at 2 in the morning.
it's ok, no one ever died fom being sticky.
i've gotta research that and get back to you.
I just had sex in the footy bunny pajamas my mom bought me for christmas. Tis the season
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
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