Saw a guy smoking a cig holding it with a fork and driving WTF?
double majoring has taught me only that psych majors are sluttier than govt majors
you said you wanted to feel how much my penis weighed for educational purposes
no, throwing your underwear at it is not the solution to everything
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
It took me half an hour to realize I didnt know them
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
He woke up and decided to go for a swim in the lake... At about 3am... With his dogs
Randomize
