it was like his penis was on wheels.
Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
Nope. Can't afford girlfriends. Still looking for the 25 year old bisexual tripled who owns a brewery or a casino.. the search continues....
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
And there might be a gallon of sangria without the lid on the floor in your room. Just be careful when you open the door.
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
I think this is the rare instance where the babysitter should get sex as payment from the person being babysat plus you'll get birthday sex. It's a win-win.
I may, or may not have licked his face in an Applebee's.
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
Hey guys.. So I accidentally broke the front door last night
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
Randomize
