and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
Im sick of reading dumb tattoos while having sex
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
Yeah, he said he was getting "welcome back Winnipeg Jets drunk" then puked on his jersey.
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
private study room at the lib turned into byob study room. that turned into battle royale and eric impaling his leg on a pen.
Sorry I dragged you across a parking lot
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
The door opens out but somehow she managed to kick it in..
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
