apparentely "Beer Pong Champ" is not a profession, no wonder they havent called me back......
told ya
While my grandpa showed the family a slide show he accidentally included a topless photo of his new gf.
i just successfully used the word "hymen" in a paper...welcome to senior seminar in lit.
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
I'll see ya tonight at your house...and I'm bringing you a special treat that starts with a V and ends with us eventually going to rehab one day.
I'm just saying, asking "Are you happy with me?" during a handjob is simply unfair and scientifically inadmissiable.
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
Fuck yeah GAYNESS
*explodes into glitter*
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
he invited me over. we listened to jazz, smoked weed, then cerebrally fucked each other over a three hour game of chess
Randomize
