He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
I assume it was your influence that had me go from DD to waking up out on the deck with one eyebrow shaved off??
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
There are six slides. In going to pee in five of them. You have to guess which one to go down. Agree?
Agreed.
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
I let him fuck me in a batman costume. Don't talk to me about needing to read fifty shades gray.
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
She climbed up the stairs with three brownies in one fist, two in the other, and one in her mouth. Also, she opened the bedroom door with her foot. I may be in love.
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
Bitch I slept on the ground 2 nights running
Got arrested last night. My cell mate just added me on Facebook.
Randomize
