Dude ! Why is there vomit with whole pieces of sushi in the shower when the toilet is not more than 2 feet away ? btw you need to chew your food better,
I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
Sooo, his balls are like... bigger than my head...
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
I woke up from my nap, looked out my window, and saw about bout 6 people get tasered in less than 20 seconds.....could someone please tell me what's going on.
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
We woke up in the room with a hamburger patty on the bed side table, one bun across the room, and the other bun under my pillow. Still don't know who ordered room service.
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
We need to stop going on dates to the strip club.
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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