Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
Ohhh, TODAY your worried. Becasue last weekend when we warned you about her you said "shes too hot to have herpes."
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
was it wrong to tell him he's welcome in my pants any time?
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
We were 69ing, but at an angle so we could both still watch Wall-E
Lady Gaga is doing the 1/2 time show. I hope it's gay and liberal as fuck.
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
She threw my purse across the room almost broke a lamp and this all started bc she forgot what an air mattress was
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
Randomize
