I regularly think about how cool your nickname is
she farted while i was going down on her. not doing that again
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
Gentlemen...shes not going to tie her self to the table...
i have a dinosaur tramp stamp
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
We were all drunk for the whole flight. Steve doesn't even remember the cab ride to the airport. At 6am. Says he "blacked back in" at security.
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
I think we've had way too many heart to hearts in the Mc Donalds parking lot for this to be a healthy relationship
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
I got fucked in a bat mobile this morning. Being slutty rules.
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
my penis made a compromise with my morals
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