Just saw a picture of your new tub, cant wait to pee in it
It was literally like being eaten out by a dog. That bad.
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
and then we all passionately sang "what if god was one of us" until everyone passed out in the grass
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
congrats on being the token straight people in our group.
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
So if my boyfriend and I hooked up with the same girl it’s not like I cheated. It’s communal.
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
Randomize
