Your dad touched me again.
Haha he acted like he's never seen a tampon catapolt across the hall before
Just filled up my pledge keg goblet with coffee at bp. They can judge all they want. At least I'm not killing baby dolphins.
she's telling me all about the love triangles of her sims. you tell me how it's going.
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
It is a bad day indeed when you learn that your boy toy looks better in your dresses than you do
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
answer honestly do you think i can make a bloody mary with ketchup????
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