my boyfriend just said he'd go down on me if I gave him my password to facebook
woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
He's just so adorable. And I don't want to fuck someone who's adorable.
We've cranked the heat for blizzard versions of all of our strip games. Come over.
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
Why can I remember how tall Nicki Minaj is from looking up her height once months ago, yet after weeks into the semester I can't even remember where any my classrooms are located
Importance
Dude I had sex with her and she STILL thinks I'm gay. I don't know what else to do.
went to class still drunk this morning and my professor made the class give me a round of applause and said, "see people, THIS is inspirational... if she can make it to class in this condition there is no excuse not to show up!"
Randomize
