you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
I don't think I can handle being a slut. There is a lot more emotional stress that I never realized.
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
My clit is not a Gobstopper. Cut it out.
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
I'm so glad I was blacked out while I was going all exorcist in the bathroom. That's so not a memory I want.
The profile of her ass is just unreal. Weird way to use profile I know, but never more accurate
Wait, there's no way I said I would suck his dick. I know drunk Katie.
No, you told him to suck YOUR dick.
See now that sounds like drunk Katie.
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
Randomize
