I will make out with the first guy who tries to pick me up with a lyric from a rap song. I won't even reply, just be on him like whoa.
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
this year's halloween challenge: make audrey hepburn go from classy to slutty drunk
I'm still waiting for my blazer that I left at your apartment, you owe me a blowjob for every day from Thursday on that it's late.
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
I'm pleased to know that your mom refers to me as "the ass piliager" now
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
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