yo I sort of want to fuck rachel maddow. but I'm not a lesbian. actually I reaally want to so maybe I am a lesbian. at least on weekdays at 9.
Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.
The lesbians are drunkenly meowing in the hallway again. This is the shit I'll miss at home.
I hope your lack of response means you're banging, not talking about her purity ring.
Like I had no idea he knew how to play girls the way he played me. His major is chemistry for christ's sake.
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
Bud light lime after 12 shots of vladdy is like frolickin in a meadow of sweet flavor
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again
After I'd been making out with her for a good 15 minutes some guy yelled "grab this chicks beer she needs both hands!" And he was right I did need both: god bless jello wrestling.
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
Its a shame I cant put 'bomb ass head game' on my resume.
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
Randomize
