that drag queen yelled at him and touched me to make him jealous and said things like this is what a real man feels like. it was a thrill.
I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
I don't even know where to begin....there's queso sauce and public hair stuck to everything
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
Are we sharing a room, or can I pack my vibrator?
Yes to both. We'll use the workout rotation from dorm life.
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
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