I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
I just got a drinking merit badge from a slutty girl scout
i had to do the walk of shame dressed as a leprechaun. I have never been more proud of my irish roots.
I don't care what you say, cheap wine does NOT taste better in expensive crystal...
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
Did I change midway through last night?
Seven times. The most notable outfits were UFC Fighter and Top Hat Viking
Male strippers are involved. You are coming
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
why is there glitter IN my vagina????
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
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