Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
ps i may or may not be wearing a sequined bra
I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
she quoted hannah montana in her facebook status. i will never be speaking to her in person again.
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
Going to.goingto.gtoing to DIE DIE DIEEEE......i feel like everyeone impotrant in my life like MLK is judging me.... saddd day
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
And then we were riding the keg in the pool like an 8 second rodeo...naked.
i need to un-sleep with a few of those brothers before we ever go back to that house again. i'm serious. i will not be a fraternity groupie.
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
My boyfriend and my fuck buddy are going to the strip club together... Should I be concerned?
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