I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
she sounds like chewbacca in bed
we were doing it doggy-style and i felt him pop that pimple on my back.I have mixed feelings about it
if pee wee herman would have taken a snuggie to the movies he wouldnt have gotten caught
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
July 5th AKA Day of regret AKA picnicing in a laundromat. Someone puked allover the comforter. Liffe of champions.
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
Let's not fuck on an air mattress tonight...I'd rather get rug burn.
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
I tried to have sex on someone's sisters horse last night
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
This chick just walked out of the men's room with molly all over her nose and her shirt half unbuttoned. She nodded to all of us and said "gentlemen" as she exited
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