My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
it only took me 1 hour to write 8 pages. i'm never doing school work without adderall ever again.
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
Get everyone out of their dorms and watch 3 girls do the walk of shame from my room.
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
You ruined me. I can't stop referring to everything outside as the "no-walls" ever since you showed me that video while I was tripping balls. My speech may be permanently altered for the rest of earth spins
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
Dude. I keep thinking about how I let a man gum my vagina.
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
Randomize
