the cure to his relationship is in or around my vagina.
I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
just found his boxers balled up inside my tights, hidden in my freezer. damn i love college.
tan lines, throwing up everclear on the beach, doing lifeguards, tequila...summer.
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
Congratulations!! You are the WINNER of a brand new BLOWJOB!! You can collect your prize between the hours of 12pm and 1pm today, anywhere you'd like!!! :)
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
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