my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
Her vagina smelled like hockey gear.
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
Haha. I got you. I always pay you back somehow. Do you accept all major forms of payment: cash, taco bell, and patriotic underwear?
I am about to embark upon a south Boston wedding....
Hydrate.
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
She was way too drunk so I dropped her off at her house and smoked a huge blunt with her mom.
WINE AND FILM. TALK ABOUT AN UPGRADE FROM NETFLIX AND CHILL.
It got weird the panthers lost and we started throwing wings at one another
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
I took it as a sign from the lord above that she wanted me to creep on these men.
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
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