We found an eightball on the ground last night. I mean, really, who does that?
well i did feel guilty about it. until i saw how hot the guy was the next day. now, nothing but pride.
The guy in the next stall screamed courtesy flush and then puked. Bless you Vegas
Don't count me out just yet. Considering bartering a blowjob to see if that boy from work will take my shift.
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
I hurt so much. Not in the emotional way, but in the I went to dive bars sorta way.
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
As long as you keep bringing fries home, i'll keep being naked when you get home
Lol he touched my butt after his grad party and a shooting star went by. No kidding. My ass is mystical.
I took the pregnancy test for shits and giggles, but neither shits nor giggles were had.
Life goal: sit on his perfect beautiful David Archuleta-lookalike face
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
Randomize
