Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
words of advice: black light parties reveal cum stained clothing.
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
This guys mom bought us a 24 pack and drove me and 8 others to a frat house... Hello moms weekend.
All of the sudden your world had become nothing but the sum of visible dicks. Welcome to life.
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
It was a fun night! I woke up with a boyfriend, again....
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
Randomize
