New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
i don't know how to normally transition into sexual activities without being drunk...
Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
Watching intervention at a bar. Who let this happen??
Being back home for the summer opens up so many opportunities to have sex without increasing my number
Oh, and no balcony sex...trust me.
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
Do you think you could handle being our babysitter if we roofied ourselves for fun??
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
Then he unzipped his pants and whispers, " oohhh, look out!"
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
Randomize
