Stop everything. They have oreo straws to drink milk with and then you eat the straw. I think i just got turned on by a cookie commercial.
Enough with studying for finals. Time to put that my little pony coloring book to use.
He did a double fist pump when he discovered the Magnums fit and skipped back towards the bed.
Look at it this way: if he'll have sex with a tomato, he'll have sex with you.
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
Peeing in public by noon, this is not a good indicator for the day.
all I remember is repeatedly winking at the fire marshall while he was counting the people in the bar
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
You may be in san diego, but I just watched a guy in a wheelchair sing walking in memphis for karaoke. Check and mate.
Her dog trainer Fuck buddy is over here again. She sounds like a squeaky toy and he talks to her like he talks to the dog. I CAN HEAR EVERYTHING!!!
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
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