The human being growing inside of her was a mistake. Lets just hope the boyfriend isn't.
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
Too bad it's not "confirm, ignore or not unless I've had 20+ beers"
i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
i just set an alarm for noon. fuck yes winter break.
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
we turned his baptism video into a drinking game
you just kept yelling "siddle that plaza" til the cab driver said it back...
it was good sex until i became a rubber doll and he became a jack hammer, so i guess overall it was good
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
I'm sorry you caught us fucking in your bathroom. If it makes you feel any better when I tried to put my pants back on I dropped them in the toilet.
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