when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
I think I actually have rug burn on my eye.
We played strip Bananagrams and I won. Thank fuck I read a lot as a child.
When hitting a Woodchuck bottle with a machete, glass will fly back and cut your face.
I hope you did not try this.
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
She had caution tape on her head and she blew me.
I STILL HAVE A HARD TIME DECIDING WHAT TO WEAR IN THE MORNING HOW WOULD IT BE POSSIBLE FOR ME TO PICK A PAIR OF PANTS AND GO OH ILL JUST WEAR THESE FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
Someone signed my nipple.
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