I don't care where my tongue is but i t's going to be in all the pictures.
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
I don't care. He smelled like a fucking chilli cookoff
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
We sat on the porch laughing about hilarious the sunrise was. And that we can do drugs again in the morning, thank god
Omg, looked at my call history, and judging by the times of calls it took me like half hour to walk home frommcds
Exactly. Stay back and unsubscribe from her
I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
he told me he didn't like my name so he was going to call me Casey instead
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
I kinda wanna drive through the Gator bar parking lot and seeing if my panties are on they ground, they should be right next to my pride...
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