sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
Just picked them up. It took 6 holes and a handle of rum to evolve from golf to a demolition derby.
There's an entire pit crew of cart boys surveying the golf cart destruction.
well its a long story but basically i overcame many cockblocks
I woke up in her bed, she woke up in mine. Apparently there was a miscommunication after the 8th jager bomb.
I need to throw up and die. The order doesn't matter. I feel like shit
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
This morning confirmed it...there's no maybe about it. She definitely wasn't born with it. It was definitely the Maybelline.
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
Have you had an orgasm with an n95 mask on yet? It was better than being choked.
Randomize
