I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
She laid down on my bed and played "I want you to want me" on my laptop. subtle.
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
is he apposed to sex in general? or just porch sex?
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
There were penises being pulled out everywhere.
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
he said verbatim, he wants to "bang you hard".
If me getting shot doesn't get me pussy I am officially gay
I started rolling down the window so he pulled into a gas station and i puked all over the side of the car while some dude stared at me. I waved and we drove away
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
Blow jobs in the hobby lobby parking lot, oh lawd there gonna pray for me when they review those tapes ...
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
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