I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
wait, do i give off the impression that i DON'T want girls to show me their boobs if i video chat with them?
I just saw a kid walk into class with his dad. Fuck his life.
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
I just saw a dude get out of an ambulance with nothing but wallabees on
If you can't accept "I'm sorry I was mean to you" bjs from 19 year old girls, then who can you
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
Na Im fine, just need to un-grow this vagina I've developed
Idk. The last coherent text said something about $25 & dimes. And then...it's just letters...
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
I'll tell you all about it in person but let's just say the big dick fairy must really like me right now
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